


The Fall After the Rise

by KatlynneLyons



Series: The Rise and the Fall [1]
Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Anger, Brotherly Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Minor Violence, POV Raphael, Platonic Relationships, Post-Canon, Raphael has anger issues, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Friendships, attempted comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28080183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatlynneLyons/pseuds/KatlynneLyons
Summary: Donnie still builds things; inventing and tweaking away, locking himself in the lab, or the garage with the turtle tank. This time now muttering about further applications of mystic materials in his inventions in techno-speak Raph doesn’t get.Mikey still works on his creations and skills; crafts spilling out from his room into other areas of the sewers, paintings and drawings of events real and not scattered throughout the sewers, despite Raph reminding him to clean up.Worst yet, Leo still keeps up the same attitude- of KNOWING things, knowing how to work together, or how to beat some new enemy or who to trust. Just knowing how to be the best at everything- Leonardo. Their LEADER.And Raph still… He was there.He was there too.
Series: The Rise and the Fall [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2170725
Comments: 30
Kudos: 89





	1. He's There Too

**Author's Note:**

> Raphael has always been a favorite of mine, even in ROTTMNT, esp as an older sibling myself. But I feel like it's important to acknowledge the "Rise" portion of the title, and that these turtles are destined to become the TMNT. Which means I just need to figure out how our Raph becomes Raphael.

So they saved the world- unlocked the Hamato Ninpo, rescued their dad, defeated the Shredder. Like heroes; like the ones on TV they would watch in their living room late at night after Splinter had gone to bed. Just the four of them- a pile of rowdy children watching villains be dashed away with some well aimed punches or new powers unlocked just in time to save the day. 

Heroes, like the ones all four of the turtles had only dreamed of becoming when Raph had suggested starting this whole team all those years ago. Like the ones Raph knew they would one day be. 

And today they stand together, strong and victorious, having finally become what the snapper knew that they could always be. The kind of team that humans make movies about, or sometimes a rushed TV show locked in the worst time slots.

Y’know, the real sort of heroes.

Raph is proud, he can’t help but to be so. Proud of what they had all accomplished together as a team. Proud of himself, his family, Draxum- even of Casey, who chose to do the right thing when it was getting all too close to being too late. 

That pride settled light and airy over them, making them glow as they split off from the others, Casey heading off, loud as ever declaring herself an unstoppable force against villainy, April wishing them a good night as she heads home tired from the long past few days. And there they were, on top the roof in the city light, something changed within them; a feeling of accomplishment, of success, of whole-hearted trust- of being the perfect team.

Just like Raph had planned.

Before them was their Dad. Splinter. Their sensei, who smiled, voice sincere, “You are true heroes, It wouldn’t surprise me if someday, someone made a movie about you-” finally praising them not just as his sons, but as ninjas, heroes. Praising them as Hamatos.

The recognition they had craved for years, the love and respect given to them and Raph beams, glancing over his team, his brothers as his chest swelled with something unnameable. Pride couldn’t even begin to describe this feeling. It was so much more. They were so much more.

And then-

“Oh and Blue, you are the leader now.”

Raph stiffened, his youngest brother’s cries fading into a buzz in the back of his head as his father’s words rang in his ears. They had been spoken nonchalantly, confident in the decision to remove him as leader. There isn’t a trace of doubt or uncertainty, their father nearly smug while giving the announcement.

He expects his brothers to protest- to defend him, to stand up for their eldest brother and remind Splinter how they all worked together, how they all saved the world with Raph at the helm of their team. He expects them to be there at his back, ready to assure their dad and the snapper himself that he was their big brother, their defender, their LEADER.

He expects them to believe in him, the same way he believed in them. 

But instead there’s… There’s nothing, the initial shock wearing off quicker in the three younger turtles than Raph is prepared to deal with, fading away to quiet consideration. The silence says more than anything else, every nerve going haywire under tension as he isn’t ready to handle, the air crushing down on him until he can’t make a sound in protest. It felt like a punch to the gut, knocking everything out of him as he stared slack-jawed and hurt.

However, even as he struggles to force down some air, the others are ready.

First up is Donnie, his genius brother ever calculating, yet warm inside- he cared about the team, he believed in Raph- “That only makes sense to me-” His chest crushes down, Donnie shrugging away his surprise easily, far too easily, “-Leo’s plans have statistically worked out better in the long run-”

Next is Mikey, all excitement and bouncing, a wide grin spreading, his voice going up, “Oh mi gosh- now we HAVE to get a team name-” and he ducks around the eldest to yank on the blue turtles sash, voice nearly sing-song, “Leo has a way with words- even if his one liners are all he uses them on!”

Leo- finally Leo, surely he would keep Raph’s back, tell off their dad like he had done so many times before, keep the red turtle from falling just like when Raph had caught him-

“I’ll do the title proud-” Leo says, that self assured smile plastered back on his face, his gloved hand heavy on Raph’s shoulder, offering a few quick pats of condolences. 

That’s it. That’s all he gets.

His chest feels odd, tightening down over a hollow pit going ever deeper, eating away at his insides, swallowing them whole until he can’t speak, can’t argue, eyes dropping to the roof below his feet, the gooey feeling of asphalt warmed too much suddenly far more interesting than this conversation. 

That’s all they think he’s worth.

“It’s time to go home my sons,” their father says, eyes shining at his children, and in the moment no one argues, no one disagrees or fights. 

So they go home. 

* * *

Life goes back to normal. They lost Gram-Gram. They learned what it meant to be a Hamato. They defeated the Shredder. They SAVED the world. 

And things still go back to normal.

Donnie still builds things; inventing and tweaking away, locking himself in the lab, or the garage with the turtle tank. This time now muttering about further applications of mystic materials in his inventions in techno-speak Raph doesn’t get.

Mikey still works on his creations and skills; crafts spilling out from his room into other areas of the sewers, paintings and drawings of events real and not scattered throughout the sewers, despite Raph reminding him to clean up. 

Worst yet, Leo still keeps up the same attitude- of KNOWING things, knowing how to work together, or how to beat some new enemy or who to trust. Just knowing how to be the best at everything- Leonardo. Their LEADER.

And Raph still… He was there.

He was there too.

Raph does the normal things they all do, the not so special things that all of them enjoy. The things that all of the turtles are known for; he eats pizza- reads comics- watches movies- skateboards… Fights crime as part of the team. 

But he doesn’t inspire his brothers anymore. It isn’t his role to make plans or suggestions, or push them to make themselves better versions of themselves, to become the ‘best of the best.’

He doesn’t let them down anymore.

Raph isn’t great with words or thoughts or plans or anything that includes thinking for too long. As Donnie put it, he was just one big muscle bound dumb-dumb. Mikey was young and optimistic, so ready to believe Raph now had more time to get in some sweet training. 

And just like Leo said, Leo was just so much better than him- than all of them. 

Clearly Dad knew that part was true.

So maybe Raph should just follow their lead. Focus on what he’s good at. Being big. Strong.

Working out. Raph can still do that. 

Raph still works out.

So he does.

* * *

Up and down, weights shot up towards the ceiling, and brought slowly down to his shell. Muscles straining, pumping, pushing and pulling- bright lights shining down on him, arms shaking, breathing rattling.

A healthy burn builds up, the weights growing steadily heavier as he runs through exercises over and over again.

One more set- one moreset- he just has to do one more set-

_ “Blue, you are the leader now.” _

Teeth grit as he shakes his head to push the words out from his head, hands slacking as he just ends up dropping the weights that hit the ground with a resounding CRUNCH. Raph rolls up, looking over and there are cracks spider webbing out from underneath the weights, flooring jutting upwards. His mouth twists downwards, frustration building into a tense firefly ball as he rocks up to his feet, storming away from the central court, heading off towards his room.

Stupid- that was so stupid- now Donnie was going to complain about the mess, Mikey was gunna trip over the uneven concrete or something else ridiculous, and Leo was gunna snark and then brag and-

_ “Leon’s got it!” _

And then all in one rush words come swarming up, playing over like one of those montages from the old movies, one of the bad ones repeating words and phrases like a broken record meant to drive the good guy insane-

_ “Mikey don’t say that- you know he chokes under pressure.”-“Raphael, I love you my brother- but you do tend to fail in big moments. But that’s what makes you, _ **_you_ ** _.”-“Once we’re home, I can brag about how right I was and in turn how Wrong you were.” _

_ “Leon’s got it-”-“Even for you this seems like a poorly thought through idea.”-“Whatever Leo says is probably right-” _

_ Leon’s got it- Leon’s got itLeon’sgotit- _

**_LEON’S GOT IT._ **

And Raph can feel it like before. When all was lost and all he knew was Gram-Gram was dead and the uncertainty if their father and Draxum had survived the battle against the Shredder, and he had to make a plan to save them all, protect his family, defend New York- Save the world. 

And as idea after idea failed and in an instance of uncertainty and fear something hot bubbled up, boiling inside his chest as his breaths turned deep and harsh- teeth grinding as it rose and burned into one superheated ball right in his chest underneath his shell. And all in one instance, without thought or care- he punched.

The wall dents in, his fist embedded in brick, dust unsettled from its place, falling down from the curved ceiling and scattering over hardened skin in a mist of fine powder.

Raph pants, arm shaking as he pulls back, chunks of brick clattering down, tumbling to the floor in a small pile of rubble at his feet, brick and dust alike hitting the floor. 

He stares downwards at the small pile, then lets it trail upwards, his gaze going through the wall where a fist sized hole was left behind. His hand trembles at his side, still clenched tight as before, the hardened scales no worse for wear. 

Why… Why didn’t he feel better?

The sound of running echoes through the pipes, the familiar noise of feet slapping across wet cement, the skidding of turtles scrambling around corners, weapons drawn out and scraping against stone walls- closer, closer, closer-

Leo comes into sight first, quickly followed by Mikey and Donnie, all of their expressions serious that shift to surprise, their run slowing to a jog, then walk and finally a stop. Eyes dart along the entire scene, focusing on the hole in the wall, rubble on the floor and dust covering the red turtle. Back and forth as though all of them are trying to compute what had happened. 

Silence. Questions hanging in the air as they all are there trying to figure out this scene. This was new- Raph didn’t do things like this. Raph broke things sure, but he was always loud about apologizing, always the first to offer to fix what he had broken, or give some idea as to what to do next. Give them some sort of plan.

He didn’t punch holes through their walls and just stand there, breaths heaving away, shoulders rising and falling from the force, teeth clenched in an ugly grimace.

Raph wasn’t like that. 

But he had. And it’s quiet in the sewers. A beat, then two then-

"Hey Raph? Buddy- you alright?" Leo says, approaching slowly with palms facing outwards. Careful, cautious- as though approaching a wild animal that he had no idea how friendly it was.

He looks concerned, nervous even, the snapper notes. Fearful of him. Raph decides he hates that look.

“Not right now.” his voice comes out in a growl, head snapping away as his body follows. His room, he wants to go to his room, or down the pipes or anywhere else other than right here, right now with this mess-

“Raph-” and a hand lands on his shoulder, and Raph doesn’t need to feel the cloth of the palm to know who it is, the touch as familiar as his own, Leo. Trying to get this situation back under control.

Trying to Raphael back under control. 

“I said not right now Leo. Raph isn’t in the mood for small chat-” he snaps, jerking his shoulder to rid himself of the red-eared slider’s touch, shoulders hunching up despite himself, as hands clench shut into fists. 

It’s tense, energy crackling through the air, and the red turtle can feel how his little brothers all stare, their gazes burning into his back. He’s still angry, still furious despite the blow-up, unlike before the release didn’t do anything. It didn’t change anything-

“Heh- yeah. Let’s all cool off-” Leo’s voice breaks the silence, that cocky sure of himself tone slipping on in, “Y’know- cause we’re reptiles- cold-blooded-”

“Leonardo you are insufferable-” the soft-shelled turtle banters back, the sound of a scoff forced out as Mikey releases a tense laugh.

“Oh come on Donnie, even a soft-shell like you has thick skin- er scales-” the blue turtle continues, shrugging in his normal nonchalant way. 

And the other two relax, gazes kept on Leo, pointedly avoiding looking at their larger brother as Mikey can still laugh, Donnie still good naturedly rolling his eyes.

Back to normal. Just like Leonardo planned.

That pit in his chest turns bitter, pained and compressed as the corners of his mouth turns downwards in ways that are foreign to himself. Raph has to walk away.

He doesn’t think he can stomach pretending to still be normal right now. 


	2. Oh, and Raph

They don’t talk about it. 

Not later, when a few hours pass, and they finally settle down to eat their fill of pizza and soda, the freshly ordered slices distracting them, making the younger three as loud as ever despite Raph’s quiet. Not when Leo is the one to tuck in Splinter; their father fallen asleep in front of the projector after his cake and milk. Not even when they finally decide to bunker down, scarves and masks taken off, pajamas donned- when they’re done with the day and heading to bed with tired sighs and words of goodnight.

No one mentions it. No one wants to talk about it. So Raph doesn’t push it. 

And by the next morning, it seems all has been forgotten.

Raph isn’t surprised by that.

He tries to pretend he doesn’t see how his weight lifting set has been shifted, pushed aside off center from its normal placement; the cracks made the day before forced back into submission with make-do cement drying slowly. Yellow tape surrounds the area like some sort of crime scene, pinned down by his weights so that it doesn’t blow away. It’s a clean job, fairly well done. Shell-don must have done it. 

He doesn’t try to acknowledge the wall messily rebuilt; bricks and still drying mortar filling in the hole, dust swept up and dumped somewhere else, leaving the hall suspiciously clean compared to the rest of their hideout. It had probably been dumped down some drainpine. That’s where most of the trash went. 

Raph tries to shove away the hollowness in his chest, dodging the overwhelming feeling that he should do something to fix this. Apologize or get something nice for his brothers to make up for doing so much damage to their home, for scaring them like that. 

But they didn’t want to talk about it. It might be too much of a surprise, not right. Like someone stepping on the toes of their great tradition of ‘Not Dealing with Problems and Keeping the Peace.’ 

They didn’t want to. So Raph didn’t think he should talk about it either. 

What is surprising is the sudden force that hits his midsection, a pair of arms wrapped around his neck. His youngest brother beaming up at him, the gap toothed grin nearly splitting Mikey’s face, “Raph! Guess what guess what guess what?”

Still in shock all he manages is, “Uh… What?”

“We got breakfast pizza!” the box turtle cheerfully responds, releasing him to bounce on his toes as he pulled on Raph’s arm towards the kitchen.

“Breakfast… Pizza- for like for real? Not just leftovers we’re calling breakfast?” the snapper asks, free arm gesturing in confusion.

“Yeah- for realzie realz!”

“How’d we afford that? Didn’t we just order pizza last night?” Raph asks, brows knotting. This was weird. They only bought pizza in the evenings as needed- the rest of the time it was leftovers.

“I found some spare cash lying around,” sounds from around the corner, and there is Donnie, cradling a cup that looked suspiciously black in color with steam rising, curling in the air. “I paid, Mikey called in the order, and Leo picked it up. Efficient, perfectly executed.”

The tech genius joins them, falling a little behind the other two, taking long sips of what was hopefully just black coffee. He’s more quiet in the mornings, at least until caffeine dragged him out of zombie-mode. 

“Raph!” And there is Leo sitting on the edge of the kitchen table, all big smiles, finger gunning at the snapper before he waves at the boxes of pizza sat next to him with a flourish, “We got breakfast pizza from the greatest shop in all of New York- Brother’s Pizza!”

Donnie scoffs, good naturedly, “We already discussed that every pizza place claims to be the greatest in the world-”

“Ah-Ha! But not everyone claims to be the greatest of all New York- do they Donnie?” the slider returns, shoving a box towards Raph, “Here first slice- saved that honor for you-”

It’s weird. Not normal, even he can see how their gazes flick to him a little more often, grins just the tiniest bit tense even as they lounge around the kitchen in ways that are meant to look normal. Normal, just like any other breakfast between the four of them, but it wasn’t normal.

It felt more like when they were fighting with each other, refusing to talk, or throwing pointed barbs meant to hurt, and after a few days of tenseness, they all decided to make up by moving on. Just act like it was all fine, like nothing had happened because everything was forgiven. Just so that they could go back to the status quo. 

Raph wants to make up. He really, truly does. 

He doesn’t want to be mad at his brothers, or jealous of their accomplishments or bitter over the differences between them. He wants to feel close again, like they were a close-knit team. For everything to go back to the way it was before. 

And here was his chance. His chance to get past whatever rut he was in, move on from whatever had gotten into his head since that day. All he had to do was be good old regular Raph again.

“Thanks bros,” he says, grabbing the first slice, offered this time instead of fought over like every other time before.

He really, _really_ wants to believe he can be normal again. 

* * *

After breakfast, the younger three somehow manage to surprise him again. These days they’d normally split off after their “mornings” together, each going off to do their own thing during the free times spent in the lair, and they would meet up again for group activities in the evening. However, instead of this routine, the three turtles lurk around together, making sure to hang around Raph. 

Donnie steps up first, taking the time to finish whatever mixture that remained in his mug, hopping up with renewed energy, challenging the snapper to rounds of dance-dance revolution. The other two hang out, cycling between machines as the snapper went up against his well-coordinated brother. 

Raph ended up winning more times than he should have- they both know it. Donnie was the dancer out of the four of them, even if Leo was the best at everything, Donnie still had that. Neither of them say anything about Raph winning. 

Leo hops up next, skateboard in hand, already grinning as he gets all four of them into the main room, and there a surprise contest is sprung on all of them. Points awarded by Shell-don for skill, style and creativity. Of course Leo wins, but only just barely this time. 

And finally it’s lunchtime, time for Mikey to shine, the youngest bringing out yet more fresh and steaming pizzas, all meat lovers this time. Raph’s favorite. They eat and taunt and nag at each other, almost about to toss cheesy slices at each other in a childish show of upset. 

It’s supposed to be fun. This whole day clearly meant as some sort of peace offering, to smooth things over between the four of them. 

Raph is being involved, he’s there- right _there_ , next to his brothers; talking to them, playing with them, eating with them. He’s being involved in their antics as always- scooping up Mikey to toss him in the air, stealing Donnie’s head scarf, bickering with Leo-

So why does he feel like he isn’t?

Why do all of these actions feel so… empty?

Like he was just playing his part, even as he desperately tried to grasp unto that thread of brotherly affection. He felt like an actor shoved into a role that was more nostalgic than anything, just someone along for the show- being here doing all of these things. The things they _all_ shared and loved.

Was he not invited to join them privately because Raph wasn’t enough to take part in their things? He knew he wasn’t smart enough, he wasn’t creative enough, he wasn’t the best.

Raph wasn’t good enough for their things. He knew that. 

So did they just default to the team things? Because that’s all they could do? Team things. Not their things, not Raph things. 

Just things. 

Maybe Raph is over-thinking this again. He was bad at the whole “thinking” thing.

Yet it’s still a relief when the lair alarm goes off, alerting them of a mystical crime in process and interrupting Raph from his thoughts. The four of them drop half eaten slices of pizza to hurry through sewer tunnels into their garage, loading up into the turtle tank one by one. 

Donnie, as always, starts droning, trying to keep them updated as he typed away at his wrist, “There’s a mutant that’s making a scene in the Bronx Zoo- looks like most civilians have fled the scene and the police are getting the area surrounded as we speak.”

“So we have to be fast-” Leo says, tapping his swords with a grin, “-shouldn’t be hard for us, not with us being heroes on top of ninjas and everything-”

Raph snorts, heading to his chair only to find the frame far smaller, the design all wrong for the snapper, the center console clearly modified from the last time he had been there. It doesn’t look like his chair anymore. 

“Uh Donnie-?” Raph asks, casting a confused look, “This your way of telling me to diet or somethin?”

Googles are down and Donnie is all smiles and pride chest puffing out, “Ah- you see I’ve been updating the tank, making it far more streamlined and reflecting the new team structure- your chair is over there-” and he motions to a chair that looks more familiar, set to the side, “With newly upgraded lumbar settings, and battle station options- Oh! And NO red buttons of course-”

New team structure. Raph should have known his seat would be switched around to put their amazing, brand new leader in the center.

That bitterness is back, coating his tongue and making his shell feel like it was screwed on a little too tight. “Heh… Yeah Donnie. Makes sense there.”

He shoves it all down, pretends it’s all good and sits in his newly refurbished chair. Quiet as Leo takes his place at the center console, settling into it with confidence, as though it had been made for him. 

As if this role as leader had been made for him.

It might as well have been. 

* * *

This time it’s a new mutant, one they’re never seen before- even with Draxum on their side, oozequitos were still out and turning random humans into mutants. Donnie pulls up camera feeds, showing video of an elephant woman tearing cages open with her bare fists, ripping through cement, plexiglass and steel alike with extreme ease, shooing the animals to run free into the main pathway. 

It’s going to be a hard fight if they don’t go all out and by the time they pull up, Leo already has a plan.  
  
“Alright- we gotta make this fast, in and out- Mikey and Donnie you keep the police distracted, mislead them, run them in circles, round up some of the escaped animals if you can. But keep nearby in case things get out of control corralling Ms. Big Tall and Scary, and we need you-”

“Raph, you and me are gunna handle the baddie. Go all Hamato Ninpo and take her down, quick and easy. We’ll take her to the Hidden City afterwards and let them handle her.” 

And the plan is set, final, the youngest two are ducking out with quick good-byes and fistbumps, disappearing into the fading light as fast as ever.

And then there is only Leo and Raph in the tank.

The blue turtle spins his blades in agitation before he pauses, looking as though he wanted to say something, expression far older looking than it had any right to be. The look of someone about to say something important, life-changing, even. But in a flash it's gone, and cocky Leo is back, grin wide and cool, the slider collected as he chirps, “We got this.”

A flare of light and the blue turtle’s clothing turns black, markings and eyes softly glowing in the dim light of the tank. Another moment of silence stretches between them, seemingly lasting forever that seriousness creeping back before Leo salutes his brother and he flash-steps away into the open air. 

Raph snorts, forcing the feelings he’d been struggling with down and away- somewhere else. Right now he couldn’t focus on that. He had to power up to save the day. Maybe not the world today, but the zoo was good enough for him.

He closes his eyes and focuses, reaching for that familiar feeling, of belief and support, of knowing his family was there besides him- breathing out, “ _Anatawa Hitorijanai.”_

_You are not alone._

He breathes in and out and-

 _“You fail in big moments. That’s what makes you,_ **_you_ ** _.”_

  
  
  


-Nothing happens.

  
  
  


The snapper squeezes his eyes shut, scrambling, scrounging for that certainty, that knowledge- the absolute truth that his family was there, that they were always there to catch him as he fell, that they would save him, and protect him from any harm and believed in him-

“RAPHHHH- a little help buddy!” the cry shatters his concentration, and he has to push it aside in the moment. Leo needed him. Right here, right now.

Ducking the entrance to get outside the tank, Raph can see how large the elephant actually was, her head even with the top of the tank as she traded blow for blow with the blue turtle, fists meeting the flat side of the blade in a splash of sparks, her strength knocking him back each time. She was fast for being so large, strong too.

Raph needed to save the day.

Leo makes a sound of relief, “Took you long eno- Uhhh- Heya buddy- we need you to be power jitsu’ed up- y’know some hamato ninpo style-” he laughs a little more tensely, disappearing from space as large fist pounds into the earth where he had been. 

Another close miss and it’s clear Leo can dodge her for the moment. Raph is closing his eyes, trying to get back there, to the plane of meditation, of thoughts. He had to do this, Leo was counting on him- Raph had to do this, he couldn’t fail-

“Anytime Raph!” Leo shouts, and his concentration is broken, shattered into shards as sweat drips down his brow. 

“I- I can’t!” he growls, banging his fists together in a familiar pattern, his current weapons unsuited to the action as they clang together. Limbs shake from exertion he has yet to physically use, but mentally he was feeling drained. 

“What do you mean you can’t? Raph come on! You know how to do this- you’re the one who figured it out! _Anatawa Hitorijanai!_ ” Leo shouts, an air of frustration there in his voice as he blocks a blow from the giant mutant that had taken the opportunity to swing her head at the blue turtle, tusks catching the blade.

With a toss of her head, she sends the smaller turtle flying backwards, a bellow of triumph escaping her as she shifts attention to Raph.

His hands rise up defensively just on instinct, ready to take the blow, but there's nowhere to hide, no way to blend in or find a blind spot as her fist curls and her punch meets his bared arms, no tonfas there to protect them anymore- 

And he goes flying backwards, crashing into the tank with enough force for metal to shift and buckle- knocking the wind out of him, as he falls to his hands and knees, sais fallen on either side of him with a clatter. 

“The tank!” someone screams, their voice falling more flat as they add on, at the last second, almost without a thought, “Oh- and Raph!”

All that concentration the snapper had managed to wriggle together disappears and he pants, pain blooming under toughened skin, a deep throb pounding moving from his arms to his shoulders, burrowing its way deep into his chest. He pulls himself up, ringing in his ears as he spits out something tasting of copper, a splash of red coloring the dirt.

It takes him a moment to process the words shouted, but when they do his blood runs cold.

_“-Oh and Raph.”_

An afterthought, something to be concerned over later, not caring or really worried. Just flat. The feeling runs cold, colder, freezing. And then like magic there is the mutant in front of him and everything runs HOT.

He’s burning up, vision turning red and there are words like a sick loop in his head, all over again just like the night before-

_“This was supposed to be easy-” “Because you were too focused on a PIGEON with PIZZA- a piece of military grade technology remains in the hands of-” “He’s acting weird and not just normal Raph weird.”“So you thought smashing everything but the mirror would get him out of the mirror…”_

_“Our football! Oh and Raph.” “See what happens when you give OUR ideas a chance, Raph?” “And now because of you, we are trapped in here-” “I am just…. Very disappointed.”_

_“-Oh and Raph.” “Disappointed- “and Raph-”_

**_AND RAPH-_ **

-punches. 

It’s not clean, not pretty- hardened fist meeting the mutant’s chest with a wet crunch, ribs cracking with ease as the mutant lets out an ear-piercing cry, launched backwards from the force of the blow. 

The snapper doesn’t think, doesn’t even try, mind solely focused on the enemy in front of him, legs tensing as he launches up into the air fist raised above his head as they come swinging down and-

Something hits his side, knocking him out of his perfect arch into the bushes to the side of the path, and they both go rolling and skidding across cement and dirt alike. Once again, he tries to rise up, continue the fight- END the fight, just for green light to loop around wrists and ankles, a shaky voice speaking behind him, “Not right now- come on Raph don’t go feral on me right now buddy, I’m right here-” 

He’s being dragged backwards, vision still pulsing as he fights the bonds, breathing harsh and haggard, fists squeezing and pulling, as the voice goes on, “Heya Mikey, Donnie- we gotta go. Raph… He’s weird again. I- I don’t know. We’re heading back into the tank- the elephant? She’s- Fffff, look like she ran for it. Next time.” 

And he’s being pulled into the dark, forced down into comfortable pressure along his back, clicks going off as the green fades and disappears. Raph bellows out, fury still bubbling in all the glory of a supernova, still not quenched with one punch. He wants to break something, something irreparable- something not as easily fixed as a floor, or a hole in the wall.

He wants some permanent damage right now.

The others return all in one rush, and just he starts to try to force everything back down. Calm and collected- that wasn’t so hard to manage, right? The tank rumbles to life as his head falls, eyes squeezing shut, and he begins to steam it off, calm calm calm.

“What’s wrong with him? Why is he acting weird again- we’re right here!” Mikey sounds worried. Terrified in his lack of knowledge.

“I don’t know- I don’t know- Donnie?” Leo is shaken, for once in his life he sounds uncertain.

Raph… feels a glimmer of pride there. That was wrong of him, so horribly wrong as the eldest brother. Calm down, be a good brother, calm down-

“Nardo- I just- this has only happened when he’s alone, it makes no sense he would be acting in this way with us right here, undisguised-” Even Donnie sounds off, his monotone voice wavering the tiniest amount.

Calm.

And as soon as he can speak, “I’m fine.”

“Raph?” all three echo as one. 

“I said- I’m fine.” He opens his eyes, and all three of them are there, the younger two a hesitant distance aways as Leo keeps to the captains post- handling the vehicle so the other two can worry.

It’s not surprising Leo is the one to respond first. 

“Raphael- I love you my older brother, but this whole situation-” a blue coated hand leaves the controls to gesture wildly at the scene inside the tank, “Isn’t FINE-”

“Well I think I would know how Raph is doing better than you, Leonardo!” he snaps, his sharp tooth snagging against curled lips, “I’m doing just fine- I KNOW so!”

“Well we don’t!” this time it’s little Mikey, his normally happy face fallen to determination and fear.

And that's the kicker, they don’t. All three of them are squared off against him, bodies a little too tense, fingers shaking where they were- ready to start up a fight at slightest sign of something wrong. 

And this was wrong. It felt wrong.

And Raph knows it too. Anger burns itself out to nothing but ashes, cold and scattered. He swallows, “Yeah… I know.”

“Raphael-” Leo starts, voice softer, more concerned, eyes kept on the road.

“I want to go home.” it comes out in a rush, all blurted and messy, “I’m feeling really worn out from that fight and all.”

There’s silence, a beat of concerned and unbelieving stares. One then two then-

“Ok… We’re heading home big brother. We’re gunna talk about this later.'' It's Leo who takes charge. 

Naturally. 

“Sure thing.” he says and the taste of something bitter coats his tongue, expression caged.

Of course they were going to talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted this chapter to show how the brothers are trying here. But by not talking about it, it's only going to get worse. But teenagers aren't known for great communication skills.


	3. Believe in Them, Like They Believed in You

Talking wasn’t their strong suit. 

Sure they had their moments where one of them would use their words to express frustration with one of their brother’s actions, but most of the time? They just didn’t. 

They went quiet, sulked, and avoided the problem, usually isolating themselves in whatever new project that _ just so happened _ to need to be worked on. Usually after a day or two, one of the upset turtles would make up with the other with some special pizza or a gift. Both turtles moved on past the uncomfortable feelings that were brought on by an unspoken argument- pushing past it was easier. Fighting meant tension. It meant frustrations and lack of communication when it really mattered.

And when you were trapped underground with only the sewers as your home, that meant space was limited. And no one wanted to stay mad in close quarters. So they had their rules, the ones they didn’t put down officially, just simply choosing to continue their ways of ‘Not Talking About It.’

So when the tank pulled back into the damp recess of their home, the engine shutting off with the whir of slowing electronics- after the long ride, in which all four turtles spent the entire time silent, looking anywhere else but at each other. At that moment Raph is certain that’s just how it’s going to be.

Quiet. Awkward.

Swept under the rug like some mess they had to hide from Dad so he wouldn’t get mad.

And it is awkward, the still air in the tank becoming stifling, choking and heavy- hanging over them as no one moved in the red interior lights.

Raph wonders when they’ll be changed to blue.

“Donnie…” Leonardo speaks up, unbuckling himself from his new post at the helm of the tank, “Go on ahead to your lab and work on checking camera feeds. See if we can find the elephant woman- we won’t let her get the chance to attack again.”

The tech genius doesn’t argue this time, quick to unlatch himself from his seat, a mumbled,, “I’ll text if I find anything- I doubt she avoided cameras since she was so careless-” And he’s gone, voice cut off from the insulated walls of the shell-tank.

The blue turtle nods, more to himself, an easy smile crossing his face as he turns to the youngest, “Mikey go get Shell-don, and the two of you can heat up the pizza from earlier.”

“Yeah-” the youngest turtle says, voice less animated than normal, his eyes kept cast away from the remaining two turtles, “-I’m on it.”

And Leonardo is unlocking Raph’s seat buckle, lips kept in a firm line as he fiddles with the familiar Jupiter Jim fanny pack- zipping it open to reveal gauze and still wrapped bandages. “Here- let me see your arm, you’re bleeding.”

And Raph doesn’t fight him, doesn't even look at him as Leo peels off the wrappings, flushing out the scrapes with a syringe filled with a clear liquid. He pats the wound dry using gauze, frowning slightly at the tears and rough damage. Dabbing on some cream, Leo finally speaks up, “Looks this is going to bruise pretty badly. She must have hit you pretty hard…” A pause, one pregnant with thought, “Is that why you-”

“No.” 

“Oh.” the slider responds, frowning slightly as he begins to tape up the injuries, the sound of bandages cut and patted into place filling the air as they sit there, not really looking at each other.

“Then… Why?”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now, Leo.” he says, air leaving his body in a soft woosh, tension bled out, and now he’s slumping, “It’s not important- it happened. We’ll just move on past it- yeah?”

“We… We are going to talk about this- not now. You’re right… But later we will.”

Raph doesn’t believe him. He doesn’t say it, but he doesn’t lie either.

Instead they sit there in this uncomfortable silence, under the dim lights of the inner tank. Waiting for the other to take the chance to say something. 

Raph can’t stop that petty, NASTY part that had been ever growing, talking, screaming like mind-Raph but spewing poison now hissing in his ear,  _ ‘Would it even mean anything if he did?’ _

He doesn’t even know himself.

Leo looks at him and there is that LOOK again, of someone far older than their years about to cast out some sage advice, a light in the dark, a breath of fresh air to a drowning man-

“I’m going to go work out-” Raph says bluntly, on his feet before he even realizes it himself, almost bumping against the other in his hurry to get out of this situation, the sensation of suffocating overcoming him, his shell a size too small- just too much. 

All of this was becoming too much.

“Yeah- sure thing Raph-” Leo’s voice is tired, “You go do your thing. See you for Dinner.”

* * *

The thing is, when you don’t talk about problems, at least not the real ones, you get  _ good _ at it. You get accustomed to shoving everything away into some deep dark pit of your mind so that life can keep going on normally. 

At least that’s what Raph did.

He pushed and shoved and wrestled all those nasty thoughts back into that neat little hole in his head, all the while pushing weights, pulling dumbbells, sit-ups, push-ups- anything other than thinking too hard (-he wasn’t good at that anyways). He just needed to clear his head of all of this nonsense.

By the time he was called for dinner, it might as well have been forgotten. Just like the last time.

Or any time for that matter.

Dinner is quieter than normal, all four of them piled on in the kitchen, taking rounds to collect reheated slices of pizza from that morning, settling down at the old rickety table, eating one by one, their mouths stuffed too full for polite talking. Tonight there isn’t laughter or jokes or pranks or some general sense of doom.

It’s just quiet- the three younger turtles bunched close at one end of the table with Raph at the other, avoiding each other’s stares with bowed heads. Plates are actually in use for once.

It’s uncomfortable, enough to make his spikes prickle. Raph’s unnerved by it all. This wasn’t right, this wasn’t normal- usually they’d keep going, ignoring everything associated with their problems.

But wasn’t Raph the problem? So why wouldn’t they just ignore him? Wait until they were ready to pretend nothing had happened, and accept him back into the fold.

He chokes down maybe two slices before it gets to him and he steps backwards, arms stretching out above his head, as he tries to speak as lightly as he can manage with his vocal cords a knot in his neck, “Well I am tired- I’m going to be going to bed- got a long day of training tomorrow-”

“No.” Leo says voice firm, finally meeting the gaze of his older brother, the other two more tentative in casting glances between the older siblings.

“Er. What?” he says, voice lilting higher at the end of the word in his surprise.

The blue turtle takes the lead, voice firmer, “Raph, stay here. We still need to talk about… This whole situation.” This time there are no hand gestures, just a frown full of serious intent.

Raph hadn’t readied himself for this, hadn’t practiced so he falls back on old habits, laughing it off, “What- you guys know I get weird sometimes. It’s just one of those things-” 

They didn’t do this- this talking thing, not like this. This wasn’t normal-

“Yes you get weird but when you feel alone or separated, not like this- in the middle of a fight, with me right there-” Leonardo speaks back, voice still infuriatingly calm. 

“Or like last night- whatever that was!” Mikey finally speaks up, rocking forward while hands brace against the table, “You weren’t sparring or anything- just punched a hole through our wall! After wrecking the floor too!”

“I- that was-” 

What was he supposed to say- he wasn’t prepared for this- they didn’t DO this-

“And you have been distant from us as of late,” Donnie adds in, arms crossing across his chest, “Despite smiling and accepting our offers of joviality, there has been an increased delay in hesitation in you saying yes to ‘hanging out’ so to speak.”

“Well-” he starts and is cut off by Leo, waving his arms through the air, “And what was that about during the last fight- what did you say- you couldn’t use the Hamato Ninpo then?”

“WHAT?” twins shouts of surprise fill the room, followed by pandemonium- all three shouting at once, questions to Raph, to each other, blending together into one mess of words.

“What do you mean you can’t use it?” “When did this start happening?” “Have there been other symptoms?” “Are we going to lose it too?” “This is really bad Raph-” “Guys c’mon not-” “Why would you hide this?” “Why didn’t you tell us?” “What happened?” “Perhaps Hypno-” “Raph?” ” “-some mystic blocker?” “Raph?!” “Poison?”

“LOOK I DON’T KNOW!” he roars, deafening silence following his outburst as all eyes finally turn back to him. “I don’t know.” he says softer; his shoulders slump, “I was getting all up in the groove, ready to kick some elephant lady butt and… I just… couldn’t. I couldn’t get my head straight.”

All three are hushed, stunned back into voiceless stares, bodies filling with a familiar tension- hands twitching towards their belts. Leo is the one to snap out of it first, relaxing slightly as he steps closer, voice falling soft and gentle, sounding young just for once, “Why Raph?”

“I said I don’t know LEO-” the snapper growls, jaws clenching slightly, “One second I could, the next I just couldn’t. Just kept hearing…” And he cuts himself off, he couldn’t tell them what was running through his head right before it all fizzled out.

“Hearing what Raph?” Mikey this time, all big eyes and quivering lips, hands clasped in front of him. 

He wants to tell them. He really does, but seeing all three across from him, opposite from him, that little desire crumbles to dust. Raph rubs at eyes, voice tired, “It doesn’t matter. You guys… Wouldn’t get it.” 

Because they clearly hadn’t before.

That damned quiet creeps back into the room, six eyes burning holes into his shell. But then for once it’s Donnie that sighs, taking the lead in this conversation, “Look Raph, we can see how this transition has been difficult for you-” the purple turtle starts off, hand waving through the air as eyes go up towards the ceiling, “However we have still been here by your side despite these changes, trying to help you adjust. So you cannot blame us for finding the loss of your Hamato Ninpo abilities and the reemergence of feral Raph… Concerning.”

“So what-? You guys think I’m dangerous or something?” He bites back, exhaustion bubbling into something warmer, curdling in his gut, making him feel sick. 

“No! Of course not Raph-” Mikey interjects, a frown making him look somehow older, “-But the whole going crazy and trying to smash villains and us isn’t really y’know, like  _ You- _ ”

“Yeah, you,” Leo says, forced humor in his tone, “-my brother are the biggest most caring guy I know- I mean just last week you were crying over crushing a ladybug-”

“She was so little and so young-” he replies back instantly, the words somehow hollow on his tongue, automatic. Raph doesn’t like how that feels. He doesn’t Like how any of this feels-

So he gets defensive.

“And what do you guys even know about me? About how I think?!” He says, tension making his fingers curl inwards, shoulders rising.

“Oh please Raphael, what machinations actually manage to form in your head can hardly be considered ‘thinking’ “ Donnie says with that emotionless drawl.

“Donnie-”

And that was all Raph could take. Just one last jab- that was it. Raph couldn’t take anymore.

“Oh no- go on Donnie-” Raph growls past gritted teeth, fists clenching besides his hips, “Go on about how much of a dumb-dumb I am? How you wanted Leo to take over from day one- how ALL of you wanted me to step down from being the LEADER? You want me to stop being the oldest brother too?”

“Raphael- my brother-”

“NO-” he snarls, actually snarling as he spins on the other, finger pointing harshly at Leo’s shell, “Don’t you Raphael- my dearest brother me- you KNOW I’m right- all of you! All of you have just shot me down! Dragged me down when I was just trying to be you guy’s leader-”

He laughs bitterly, eyes stinging from something unknown, “So what? You get this brand new team, this brand new shiny leader and Raph just has to sit back and do what you guys think is best? Do whatever you three want because everyone is just so much happier like this, and big ol’ dumb Raph should just be happy too?”

“It’s not like that- Raph it really isn’t” Mikey speaks up, eyes a little too wide, a little too shiny.

“Oh really? REALLY?? He says and there is that boiling feeling burning him up inside and out.

And right now he wants them to burn a little too. 

“So you guys didn’t just dump me the second Splints said too? Donnie didn’t just get so relieved that someone with PLANS and IDEAS that WORK was going to be in charge?” His hand slashes in a violent motion through the air, the purple turtle stiff across from him, eyes averted, his mouth a firm line- but there was that waver- right THERE. Even Donnie couldn’t keep stoic forever. 

But it wasn’t just Donnie, was it?

“Mikey didn’t just get so excited to be led by a turtle who CLEARLY is better with words so he can make a team name better than the one we’ve been using for years?” The orange brother had opened his mouth as though to protest, but something kept him mute, cringing away from Raph, arms wrapped tightly around himself.

“And you-” he breathes out shifting in front of Leonardo, shoulders rising and falling in time to heavy breaths, their gazes meeting and all Raph can see is  **_pain,_ ** “You didn’t fight for me. You- Leo- didn’t speak up against Splinter. Even though you ALWAYS fight against what he says. You didn’t. Not this time. Not when it came to saving my shell.”

And he takes a step back, his lips pulled downwards in the strong, overpowering feelings dredged up- the ones he had been shoving and pushing and pounding downwards inside him now all out in the open. And now for the final nail in the coffin, the final piece that they had to acknowledge.

Even if they didn’t want to.

“You guys have never believed in me.”

_ “I cannot teach you- you can only learn what you already know.” _

“So maybe I don’t feel like believing in you-”

They all stand shocked still, the three of them staring at their older brother, Leo slightly in front of the others, having stepped forward once again but unable to even move a muscle in the face of these words. Hurt shines in all of their eyes, mixed with confusion and even disbelief- denial against Raph’s accusations in every line of their faces. 

But they don’t say anything.

Raph knows why.

“I’m heading out-” he finally spits between gritted teeth, turning to the kitchen exit, shoulders tense, steel beneath leathery skin and spikes.

“What?” Of course it’s Leo that breaks out of the trance first, a soft footfall sounding behind him, nearly unnoticeable under his heavy ones.

“I Said- I’m heading out-”

“Bu-but dad said to stick as a team-” this time Mikey pipes up, a waver in his unsteady voice. 

“Yeah…” Raph rasps, “-he did.”

They don’t have anything to say to that. He doesn’t bother to check behind him, doesn’t look anywhere than straight ahead as he grabs sais, a beat up old trench coat and a hat he found ages ago-

He can’t be here. He can’t be stuck in the hideout with those hurt looks. With his brothers still unable to stick up for him when it counts.

Raph needs some space. Some solo time. 

He’s so focused, so dead set on leaving, on getting out as quickly as possible, that he doesn’t see the tiny furry shape of his father- doesn't recognize the rat-man is watching him until he clears his throat behind him.

And then it’s all Splinter. Worried, concerned if not a little disappointed Splinter, standing with his arms crossed, his muzzle twisted into the best frown he can manage, “Red. Where are you going?”

They stare at each other- Splinter calm and measured, Raph barely restraining his rage, limbs trembling, breathing loud in the abnormally quiet sewers. It takes a moment, a pause for him to collect enough of his wits to respond. This was his father. The one who was there for them when his own life fell apart, caring for them, teaching them, training them. Believing in them.

Except for Raph of course.

“Out.” he speaks low, nearly a growl, tying the jacket around his waist, hat tucked over his face to hide it from view.

“Raphael…” His father sounds concerned, authoritative while begging for an opening for conversation to find out what was wrong when they both already knew the answer.

Splinter sounded like Leo.

Raph  **hates** that. 

“I’ll be back later.” He says coldly, already walking off towards the ladder that would let him escape to the night of New York City- words behind him blurring into an unimportant buzz.

Raph really needed someplace to breathe. Someplace that didn’t feel like he was being suffocated, choked and drowned by these expectations to act like everything was ok. Like he was still just good old happy, gooey Raph.

To pretend like this whole situation wasn’t a betrayal to him, to his ability as their leader- to his ability as their oldest brother.

  
  
  


Raph needed to go let off some steam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be the finale, but I decided that I should add in a epilogue of sorts! It will be short so hopefully it won't be as time consuming!


	4. Be the Hero

Raph was still angry- no, furious, center churning and boiling as he jumped from roof to roof, no goal in mind as he went through the city lit by ceaseless lights. But lights meant shadows to duck in, to become one with. 

Lesson one after all. He can manage the basics at least.

He had fought with his brothers, brought up all of those nasty, awful true memories and words. He had ripped open his own thoughts, like lancing a festering wound, letting all the rot be spilled out and bared to the world.

He had given into his anger. Lashed out and called them out. 

So why doesn’t he feel better?

Why does he still feel so… so mad?

Why has that burning feeling in his chest only gotten hotter, more bitter, more unrestrained and all-consuming?

Raph is more than angry- more than irritated or annoyed. He’s… he’s not sure what he is anymore.

He just feels MORE. 

A shout knocks him out from his thoughts, high pitched and piercing, and the turtle knows that tone. One of terror and desperation, someone fleeing danger despite it coming head on. A cry for help. 

He can’t stop himself. He really can’t. It’s too deeply ingrained for him to just move on, to let whatever that was happening, happen. So he follows where the sound came from, jumping, swinging off of poles and roofs alike, only to land silently on the metal fire escape above a dark alley, his body kept hidden in the shadows.

There are humans- a girl, youngish, (-perhaps one of April’s classmates Raph muses to himself-) hiding behind a dumpster. Her hands are clamped over her mouth and nose, knees tucked up to her chest, as three taller men lurk near the entrance- heads turning, scanning. Searching.

There’s something wrong with them. Their eyes are cold. Dead. Like predators seeking out prey, even with warm smiles crossing their faces. They feign laxness, lounging at the alley entrance, two leaning against opposite corners as the last one steps inwards, methodically fiddling with his pocket.

“Oh come on darling- come on out~ We just want to talk. We ain’t even mad you kicked ol’ Ricky in the nuts- come on out and we’ll take it easy on ya-”

The girl doesn’t say a word, curling tighter in a ball, and Raph feels sick. The warmth pooled in his chest flickers, like embers sparking,  _ igniting _ into a low flame. He sees glints in the streetlight, the approaching man pulling something shiny and too sharp from that pocket. 

And that flame turns into an inferno.

He isn’t thinking, not really; he stands up on the thin metal that creaks under his weight, teeth gritting as he simply steps off the ledge into open air. Raph lands heavily with a boom, cracking concrete and destroying garbage alike in his path. The men stumble back, falling over themselves, yelps of surprise filling the air. Confusion and fear makes them slow.

But Raphael is  _ fast. _

He definitely isn’t thinking as his hand latches around the closest human’s scrawny neck, squeezing just enough to make the man struggle. His hands rake at thick scales as his feet kick out, hitting Raph’s shins with a flurry of panicked thuds. 

It’s only a moment, just a quick one before the snapper swings his arm out, tossing the human backwards into the street; the man skipping over the ground several times before rolling to a stop, dazed and bleeding from his brow-

“Oh what the f-” one of the others shouts just as Raph turns and meets the human’s chest with his fist. He restrains himself this time- but it still makes the man launch backwards into the wall, body hitting it with a solid thud. His head meets it with a more audible crack milliseconds after. The man crumples, blinking dumbly up as his mouth moves in mute confusion.

The final man looks less assured, stumbling back, eyes flicking over to his downed comrades- but his face hardens in an instant. His grip on the knife switches in a flash as the man jerks forward, slashing out to catch Raph in the chest. The blade meets it with the sound of metal meeting stone, digging in deep-

There is a look of triumph, of smugness as he yanks his arm, just for the blade to remain embedded in the turtle’s shell.

Raph slowly bends his neck downwards, a sneer crossing his face; his hand wraps over the human’s as he jerks the blade free from his own chest. 

“Yeah- that doesn’t work.” 

The man pales, stumbling back but not able to get away as Raph continues,“Listen to me you human- you and your buddies are gunna leave this place, leave this nice lady alone, Hell, leave this CITY alone- got me?”

The man swallows, sweat dripping down his face, fear in those dead eyes and Raph feels… He feels excitement, adrenaline pumping through him from a fight, the thrill of stopping a crime before it got too far. He feels success. 

“Yea-yeah man- just let me go-” the man whimpers, smile strained even as eyes flick to the side, narrowing slightly-

“INCOMING-!” 

A voice shouts from above and Raph hears someone behind him- a crash as something lands heavily, solid thunks of wood hitting solid flesh and he’s turning to see-

A familiar woman, now wearing a white mask, beating a fourth human with a hockey stick none too quietly as she cackles, “YOU THINK YOU CAN COME HERE? IN MY STREETS? VILLAIN SCUM!” 

Blows rain down, the man curling into a ball- arms protecting his head as she wails on him without restraint.

Typical. 

“Uh… Casey?” Raph says voice as concerned as he can force for the human’s sake, “You got him.”

That seems to be all the woman needs to stop her assault, shooting straight up. She rests a foot on him as she raises the stick, proclaiming into the night air “I AM VICTORIOUS!” 

“Yeah… Yeah you are.” he snorts, choosing to release the human who stumbles forward to grab the one still pressed against the wall and pull him up to his feet. Casey kicks her victim one last time before abandoning him to his own devices; it isn't long before he rolls up, arm wrapped around his chest as he scrambles away. The two others follow and Raph watches as they help the last one up, voices loud with panic.

“Let’s get outta here man!”

And they’re gone, footsteps fading away until all that’s left is the quiet sounds of the city.

“Thank you for your assistance- those four have been prowling around here for days now. DAYS!” she huffs, kicking scattered trash. She pauses, giving him an odd stare before a finger is jabbed in his direction accusingly.

“Wait- where are your brothers? You four are never far apart from one another-”

“They uh…” he says, something sharp entering his voice “Ain’t around right now.” And Raph feels something cold quenching that fire, and he adds on more awkwardly, “I-uh should be leaving-”

“I shall accompany you! To the rooftop!” Casey declares, chest puffing out, stick tucked in the crook of her elbow. Her knees bend as she vaults up, catching the edge of the fire escape and scaling it with several easy jumps and flips.

Raph watches her, a dull throb in his chest. He came out here to be alone- to let off some steam. Did he really want to follow her? Did he want someone all up in his space when he was just trying to sort this out?

Did Raph want family right now?

A gentle tug catches the back of his coat and the red snapper cranes his neck downwards to spot the girl. Dirt and tears streak her face, big brown eyes looking up into the shadows his hat create, hiding his features from view- searching whatever they could see-

“Thank you…” her voice cracks, the sound scratchy and strained. 

“Er… You’re welcome? Just ah- y’know get on your way back home. Back to your normal everyday human life.” Raph tries to sound authoritative, waving her off towards the more lit street.

Her lips quirk, head tilting to the side with a huff of relief, a near panicked airy laugh there as she whispers, “Yeah- I uh… I’ll be doing that, Mister-?”

He doesn't know what to say. Humans didn’t pry into their lives after being saved. Humans didn’t ask their names. Well April did, but she wasn’t normal. 

This wasn’t normal. He has to think of something- something clever, smart- 

“Red. You can call me Red.”

He’s an idiot. 

“Mister Red.” she says, followed by another watery laugh, “Thank you Mister Red.”

“You’re welcome… Again. I uh- I gotta go kid. Get home safe.” 

This was awkward. Not bad. Just weird. 

“I-I will thank you-” she says again, pulling up a hood over her head, a bag tossed over her shoulder, “But-”

Raph jumps up, escaping as quickly as he can, catching the railing and hauling himself upwards. He climbs the metal structure until he’s on top the roof, Casey standing there foot tapping impatiently.

“Inefficiency-” she gripes more to herself than to him, hands burrowing deep into pockets. 

“You know- you coulda just left if you didn’t want to wait,” he huffs back, a small frown coming across his face; his body automatically mirrors hers, hands in pockets, foot kicking out slightly.

“I know that-” the woman snaps,”However you did not seem right today- not your usual commanding self.”

“I’m FINE.” he hisses past clenched teeth, muscles tensing. Why did everyone want to get in his head today- why were they all forcing these conversations, trying to creep into Raph’s thoughts where everything was a mess of emotions and hurt and-

“Then you are fine.” She shrugs, turning to face away from him.

That was different. 

“But if you want to speak about why you are out here all alone fighting HUMANS- then I will listen.” Casey continues, voice even, not attacking or forcing. Just. Offering. 

It’s tempting, so very tempting- the offer set at his feet without demands or expectations or barbs. Just there waiting, out in the open with no tricks or traps or strings attached.

“I… Well, I…” 

He hesitates, voice failing him. Words failing him (-everyone knows how bad he is with those after all-). His shoulders rise up, arms crossing, breath huffed out, “I don’t know how to word it. I’m not great at the talking thing or putting things in some smart way.”

“Then I shall wait here with you until you do.”

And she does, standing on the roof, attention kept off of him, arms kept buried in pockets as she gazes out over the view of the city they have.

And with this space, this allowance of just some time without bombardment at every second- finally Raph can think.

It takes longer than he thought it would, for the ideas to come together, for the thoughts and memories to turn into words. Even longer for it to become cohesive and in order. And the entire time Casey stands, not pushing or prodding, just standing there looking out towards New York’s lights.

Waiting. Patient. 

And Raph is able to talk. 

“You see my bros- when we were little, they always looked up to me y’know? I was the eldest, the biggest and strongest. I was the one that protected them, looked after them,” he starts cautiously. 

“I was there when Dad wasn’t. When he was too tired or busy or whatever- I got them cleaned up, got them fed some days, hugged them when they had nightmares- taught them what little I knew while I could…” 

Raph looks up towards the night sky, no stars able to be seen this deep in the city- there’s only the unnatural glow of reflected manmade light above them. 

“But somethin’ changed, I dunno how long back. They stopped looking up to me. Instead… well they really started looking down on me. I just slowly became Raph- the big dumb idiot, the strong guy, the pushy, smash-things guy.” 

Frustration and hurt enters his tone, hands uncrossing to clench in the air in front of his chest, “The one who wasn’t smart enough or creative enough. Or just good enough. And they decided to keep reminding me, over and over until I couldn’t forget it.”

“And I guess dad couldn't either- Old Splints kicked me off my position faster than he’s done anything else.” His teeth are clenching, air boiling inside him, frustration blooming into anger-

“So I got the boot- kicked out from being leader, and I am such a failure that I can’t even do the ONE thing all Hamatos are meant to do, but they’re just all so-” his hands jerk out towards city lights, “ **Fucking** insistent on reminding me. I can’t even go one day without one of them dragging me through the mud, stabbing my back or just going for the throat. It’s like they’re not even FAMILY anymore! Just some turtles I gotta work with! And then- they go acting like they didn’t even do nothing wrong! Like I’m the one with all the problems, like I did everything bad and can’t be trusted!”

Raph throws his hands up, air forced out in a low growl.

“Why ain’t I enough? Why does everything I do just fall apart and not end up worth anything to them? Why can’t they just believe in me too? Like how they did when they were little tots? Like how they did before all of this mess? Did… did they ever believe in me in the first place? Was I just **that** stupid? To think they did!?”

He pants, the rage smothered under something cold and heavy. The fire dies down into ash, sickness and hurt all that’s left. 

“Wow… uh… That’s a lot.” 

Raph manages to choke out a laugh, her words summing the whole mess up better than his tirade. 

“It sure is,” he breathes out, leaning back to look at the lights in the distance. 

Casey is quiet, giving him this time to process what he had just ranted; she allows the emotions to fade and settle before-

“I can relate to some of that-” she speaks up, looking out towards the far distance. 

“What?” he says, voice falling into exhaustion.

“The Foot Clan- they never treated me as an equal. I trained harder than ANYONE else, did EVERYTHING they asked and demanded of me. Yet I was looked down upon, always the recruit and NEVER the clan member-” 

Her fists ball beside her as a sneer carves into her face harshly. “And when they fell- I felt lost. Like some sort of FAILURE without a path or plan.”

“Someone told me ‘just because you failed doesn’t make you a failure.’ And he went on blabbing about how there was some girl who kept failing but never gave in- and I mean ON AND ON- like non-stop talking. Old geezer never learned to shut up-” 

“Eh… What exactly does all this have to do with my situation?”

“STOP BEING IMPATIENT!” she barks, veins popping in her face before she calms instantly, rocking backwards on her heels.

“As I was saying, back then I believed he was trying to support my plans of world domination. But now- now I think… no, I am certain he was trying to tell me that it didn’t matter what my goals were. As long as I kept trying, I could do anything. Even if it was taking over the government using brownies-”

“You did WHAT now?”

“UNIMPORTANT!” Casey shouts, foot slamming into the roof for emphasis, as she spins around to point directly at the snapper. “What matters is that with enough determination and desire to succeed, I can do anything. And if I can do ANYTHING- then YOU can TOO! You can do anything- BE anything you want!”

“What if I don’t know what I want?” he sighs, leaning against the back of a billboard. 

“Nonsense.” she says waving the idea off as though it was preposterous. “You turtles are nothing but meddling good-doers. There is ZERO chance that you have lost that despite whatever quarrels you have been a part of.”

“So what? What are you suggesting? I don’t want to be part of the team like this- and by myself those mutants and yokai can be a lot to handle. So what's left? Just going around New York all alone? Saving humans from other humans? That- that’s-”

“Exactly what we just did.” Casey says smugly, waving down to the now empty alleyway beneath them. “It may have not been the ENTIRE world. But you saved the day for that girl.”

And his mind crashes to a stop at that. 

He had, hadn’t he? That girl had been so relieved. She THANKED him, actually grateful for what he had done. Begging to know his name so she would know WHO had saved her-

“Yeah.” He breathes out, and then again with more enthusiasm, “Yeah- I did, didn’t I? I can still save people! I can still be a hero to people like that human gal! I don’t need my lame bros to do all that!”

“YES!” And Casey leaps up, her foot resting on the ridge of the building, arms waving in a gesture to the entirety of the city, “That’s the energy I speak of! The CONFIDENCE! The DETERMINATION!”

“Hell YEAH-” he shouts, standing up on the edge beside her, fist pumping in excitement, the other pointing up in the sky “Look out people of New York- You gots a HERO looking out for you!”

“Yes! HERO! And you will CRUSH the very ROOTS of CRIME in the city until NOTHING REMAINS!” the woman shouts just as loud, her fists shaking in the air, one still curled around the hockey stick. 

“I don’t need NOBODY for that! No one to tell me what to do- or what to say or what to think!” he shouts, voice getting louder, dripping with an exuberant bitterness.

“I DON’T NEED ANYONE!”

He breathes heavy, a near grin across his face, “I can take them on- I can take this ENTIRE CITY ON! I’m RAPHAEL! The ELDEST! The BIGGEST- The STRONGEST! I don’t have to take nothing from NOBODY!” he crows, leaning farther off the edge. 

“Not from mutants! Not from yokai! Not from humans and least of all SPLINTER and my BROS!” 

He leans back, chest heaving, sucking in the warm night air, muggy and thick. He feels emboldened. Like energy’s running through his veins, hot and bright. He feels powerful, more free now than ever before. 

He didn’t need any of them. He didn’t have to be nice or coddle them or go about smoothing things over after all of this. Let them figure this whole team dynamic they all wanted- heck, if they asked nicely, maybe he’d help.

But Raph wasn’t going to take any more jabs. No more cracks or insults. He wasn’t going to stand there being the gooey happy turtle they could lean on whenever things went a little wrong. They wanted a new team dynamic, a new structure or whatever they wanted to call it? Good for them.

All that mattered right now was that Raph knew what he wanted.

Raph would be a hero. 

All by himself if that’s what it took. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I have lost control of this fic- this was supposed to be an epilogue, I swear it was. But when I sat down and began to type, it ended up as a full on fourth chapter. This part felt it had to be told, and I didn't want to cut it short. 
> 
> I also cleaned up the first chapter, as I was not happy with the flow or mistakes. I will be taking a break between this and the actual epilogue as that one will be hard to write for me personally as the eldest myself.


End file.
